Bereavement, Integration, and the Trail

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen 

As I wrote before, it has been two years since my wife suddenly died. My life-ending ideations are done. Someone mentioned I may have another twenty years to live (I turned sixty-five today), I dreaded it. Now I am going to stay on the trail.

Something else to repeat is that Charlene would want me not only to continue to exist, but actually live. I still do some things in her honor. There are other aspects of my life that are changing but she is on my mind in new interests.

On red trail at Shaupeneak Ridge, Unsplash / Cowboy Bob Sorensen

There is an old Moody Blues tune called "My Song." Mike Pinder wrote it and it was, frankly (mind if I call you Frank?) silly. He wanted space aliens to come to Earth, helping us get straightened out. Well, the Creator did come to Earth, and Jesus showed us the way... All this to say that one part of that song keeps coming back to me: "The change in these past years has made me see our world in many different ways." Lots of changes.

I pray to God every morning, "Tell Charlene I love her and miss her."

Let me tell you a bit about the Doctor Who television series. When an actor playing the part of The Doctor left the show (which began in 1963), the producers needed a replacement. An ingenious method was devised for this time-travelling space alien: regeneration. A new actor would step in with a different personality but the character was somehow still The Doctor.

Long ago, I was a fan of that series. It was interesting that I could see aspects of myself in several of the early version of The Doctor. Although I lost interest some time ago, I think about regeneration. Over the years, I have changed several times. Now I am regenerating again, but not nearly as fast as The Doctor. It began when Charlene died, but it seems to be picking up speed. It is a mite frustrating that the details seem to be up the hill and over the ridge. However, God is with me on the journey.

In the materials I have read, one aspect of bereavement is integration. Someone who tells a grieving person to "get over it" is being callous, as that never happens; we are forever changed. My departed darling will always be a part of me. With what I am calling my regeneration process, the integration is also involved. Some of my new pursuits are things that would not be shared interests for us. Also, I take short hikes that are challenging for me and she would not be interested. If she were here, our hikes would be on rail trails and I would go solo on the others.

You might think that I spend much time watching television, but that is not the case. We would watch a show in the evenings, and that is something I continue. In fact, there are some new shows I have picked up (many new to me that are actually several decades old) and it would have been nice to share them with her. Others, I doubt she would be interested in seeing.

This may seem contradictory, but I get very lonely at times. Yet I do not want romance or to ever remarry. Sure, she would have told me to go ahead in this situation, but there would be too many changes to make. (My father noted long ago that I was a loner. Charlene had few friends and was a loner outside of work.) I am getting benefits from solitude, and I have my peace in it.

Another change for me is that I am going to join a church, something I have not done in many years. On November 2, the pastor preached on a section of 1 Corinthians 7. This involved Paul's advice to those people at that time to not change their situations, but it is better to remain unmarried if possible. That makes it easier to serve the Lord. Interesting how I have several reasons (including peace in solitude) for not seeking a wife. Although I do not think God is calling me to singleness for service, the answer to that may be up the rise and around the bend.

There may be something in here for those experiencing grief, and I hope that my own experiences and changes may be of some encouragement to them. Things take time and we grow. That growth can be in unexpected directions, but we need to focus on the positive and keep ourselves focused. My pastor keeps reminding me to focus on Jesus.