The Second Anniversary for a Grieving Widower

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen 

Today, Charlene has been gone for two years, but I think about her every day. Several times a day. Previous I mentioned that setting aside a day for memories does not work well because she is so frequently on my mind. But I can ponder my personal changes.

Although I am alone with few friends and no family nearby, I hope that my thoughts and insights may be helpful to others. One again I want to emphasize that grief experiences are unique for each person. Indeed, each loss has a different response.

Near center of walkway across Kingston-Rhinecliff Bridge, Unsplash / Cowboy Bob Sorensen

Due to grief and other circumstances (still recovering from open-heart surgery), for a while I considered the Kingston-Rhinecliff Bridge as a jumping-off point. Those ideations are gone, and I recently walked on the bridge. Great day for pictures!

The anniversary of her father's passing is September 19, the day before her own.

Also, I had a recent cardiologist visit and it looks like I will not be joining Charlene anytime soon — at least, not for heart reasons. But the workplace sometimes sends my blood pressure high enough to touch Jupiter's moon Ganymede...

Like on the first anniversary of her death, I found places to get some nature therapy and, do some walking, and take some pictures. The visit to Esopus Meadows Lighthouse Park (the lighthouse itself is on an island of sorts in the river) was brief because half of it is closed. However, I had a more rewarding experience at High Banks Preserve.

Esopus Lake with apartments on other side, photo by Cowboy Bob Sorensen

Although the trail was somewhat paved, I was surrounded by some nature. Lots of crickets and peepers (tree frogs). Charlene was on my mind, especially when hearing the birds. She really liked the garden birds in New York and I grew fond of them too. Several of her favorites spoke up, including the tufted titmouse, blue jay, white-breasted nuthatch, the pileated woodpecker (which gave us a thrill one time), and a couple of others. Some critters were rustling in the brush, also.

On a different note, I had been thinking over the past two years about how wrong I was with Charlene. I knew she came from an emotionally troubled childhood and a mentally abusive first marriage, but I tended to forget that. I had doubted her love for me and dwelt on our difficult times a mite too often.

After she was gone, I would get reminders of things that she would do without fanfare to please me. It also worked in reverse because I realized that I loved her more than I thought, and I did things for her as well.

The paragraph above can be expanded into an article of its own, including speculations on psychoanalysis, but that would be unhelpful. However, I believe in the spiritual aspect: Satan was kicking me while I was down (including filling my mind with self-harm thoughts a couple of years ago). Another wicked thing was the thought that not only didn't I really love her, I just needed her to take care of me and the apartment. Now I see all those things were lies, we loved each other — and I still love her. I ask God every day to tell her that I love and miss her.

Guard your minds! Especially Christians, and I think what I described above may be a part of the admonition to take every thought captive. Indeed, my pastor keeps reminding me to focus on Christ and not give in to distractions.

Yes, I gave a bit of a sermonette. It's who I am and what I do, but even if you are not interested, I hope you can get something out of my experiences. 

It is often tempting to leave things the way they were because she wanted them that way. However, Charlene would have wanted me to do what is best for me. Honoring her by leaving things in the apartment as they were would be secondary. There are new things I have tried (including in the kitchen) that she may have found...truly bizarre...or at least, interesting. The point is that I have grown and experimented, especially since some of the emotional flames are less intense after some time.

Two years without my departed darling. Now I have to brace for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Day, our wedding anniversary... Anyway, I think she would have liked the following song: