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Showing posts from 2023

Our Last Christmas Gift Exchange

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  Hopefully this article will at least prove interesting as well as helpful for people going through the grieving process. Charlene has been gone for just over three months, and this first Christmas in over twenty years without her is brutal. This morning I got up and took a picture of the tree, which is three feet tall and pre-lit, set on an end-table. I added some ornaments. One was a gut punch because it was from her late sister, "New Home 2008" for our new apartment. Now Charlene is celebrating her first Christmas with Jesus in her new home . Using a tripod and the phone camera's night setting, plus I removed clutter Our last Christmas together, we both had the Rona. On Christmas Eve, we watched the 1951  Scrooge  (changed to A Christmas Carol )...just noticed that I wrote "we watched" out of habit. This movie was in our rotation for Christmas Eve and Day viewings. I only made it about halfway though, what with being tired and all — we

Her Birthday, Self-Esteem, and the Other Poem

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  Today is the 67th birthday of my beloved Charlene, which she is celebrating in Heaven. Right now, I am writing this while listening to one of those music compilation CDs that I made her long ago. The concept of self-esteem has exaggerated importance, often used as an excuse for inflated egos and pride. However, the healthy kind is important. As I mentioned before, we met online and got to know each other texting through AOL. It did not take long to learn that her self-esteem had taken a beating her entire life. Baby Charlene ca. 1957, via PhotoFunia and other enhancement processes Charlene almost never received "props" or complements from her parents. Her daughter (who died in 2010) and ex-husband verbally and mentally abused her. Lots of manipulation. Like I have done, she had wished to go to sleep and never wake up. I think her belief that self-elimination is a one-way ticket to Hell kept her alive. If I rightly recollect, she said she didn't de

Small Demonstrations of Love

People have probably noticed that in my articles on grief, I am being transparent. Anyone grieving needs to do this at least with themselves and counselors (which can include caring friends and family). I also admit to muddling through it all and probably never knowing the answers. This time, I am admitting that I underestimated Charlene's love for me. In my defense, we had a time of troubles years ago and she said she did not love me as much as before. In her defense, people change over time and she did indeed love me again later on. The other part is that I did not know until she went to be with Jesus how much I love her. People don't need to dramatically proclaim and demonstrate "I love you!" all the time. Love can be demonstrated in small ways as well, trickling in as time passes. They don't have to be material, either. Encouraging remarks, courtesies, showing respect, and other things add up. I bought a small book light so I could read in the living room with

She May Have Saved My Life

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  Back in the late 1990s, I was in a loveless marriage and wanted to end it. By 1998, I was just existing and willing to let my psyche die. Charlene found me on AOL one evening, and we talked through the messenger almost every night for a year before we actually met in person. In a way, we knew each other inside out, sharing thoughts and feelings. We grew to love each other. I did not think I could be loved. From our first happy meeting in 1999, taken with a crummy disposable camera Charlene loved me before we met in person, and I started to come back to life inside. The execution of my own consciousness was halted, and I reckon that she saved my life; I may have not waited for the slow demise and hastened the process. This was still before we met. I wrote a couple of poems that are pretty dreadful about her. The poems were posted online and the property they were on disappeared, but I was able to find them again. I posted under an assumed name, so even though the

Levity, Learning, and Laundry

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  This is a mite wordy, but it is light reading. Although I am going through pain that I could never have imagined, and sometimes wonder about my sanity, good things happen. That grief fog is (in my case) characterized by forgetfulness and distractions. I have to do my own laundry. Kind people were doing it for me while I was under cardiologist restrictions not to lift more than ten pounds. When I was cleared to ease into going back to work, I started doing laundry. This was one of the many things Charlene did. I watched a video on how to do it. Washers and dryers very similar to where I live, Unsplash / Douglas Monterrosa Being alone now and having simple tastes, it is rather easy. I decided that I had time before church, and the laundry center at the apartment complex was open. The grief fog was not too bad and I was feeling a bit more alert. I gathered everything, went over, put in the wash, set my timer, and came back to the apartment. Twenty-some minutes late

Irrational Emotions and Losing a Part of Her

People who have paid attention to the original Star Trek  series have commented on, and even given serious thought to, how Mr. Spock and the other Vulcans go overboard in keeping emotions suppressed. They have them, but keep them tightly locked down. I think that is unhealthy — at least for real people. Emotions are a part of our lives, and God gave them to us for a reason. Still, it is inconvenient to break down in tears while in the shower, typing, or whatever. Too bad I cannot be logical and schedule those breakdowns. Charlene's car — well, my car now — by itself Someone told me that although emotions are not logical, they respond to logic. Well, maybe. But Charlene was my wife and best friend, and I'm going to allow myself to feel the emotions. Normally, I can hold them back in public or when I'm driving. Also, having a routine helps get me through the day: Clothes laid out the night before, the evening wind-down with a television show that we did for so many years stil

Noticing her Gifts to Me

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  Calendars say that I am sixty-four today. Normally, I am not forthcoming about things like this, but since Charlene died six and a half weeks ago, I have been an open book to many people. It may help people who are grieving.  Anyway, this is the beginning of the Year of Firsts: My first birthday without her, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, our wedding anniversary, and so on. I just have to cowboy up and get through them. No apologies for tears — which is happening while I write this (I've even done it on legal and business phone calls). Now I want to talk about gifts. Charlene and Bob happy picture, possibly 2005 For having Scandinavian and Scottish ancestry, it's strange that I can't do facial hair very well. In this neck of the woods, giving a gift may bring thoughts of a package wrapped in paper and sporting a bow of ribbon. Some of us don't mind a bit getting something used, especially if it's personal to the giver as well as the reci

Songs of Torment

This weblog will focus on my grieving process for a while, and I hope that it will help some people who are going through these things as well. Everyone grieves sometime, but not the same way. There is no "getting over it." Some of these will be short, some long. Music has power. It can influence moods and even cause excitement (such as with rallying songs chosen as anthems). Some become a part of us while others have poor lyrics that were only effective because of the delivery and production. Songs can take us back to times in our lives, both good and bad. I'll hear a song now and remember how Charlene liked it. Some make me think of her even if she didn't know them. She told me that she was playing mix CDs in her car that I had made her years ago. I had label and case insert-printing software, and had fun doing it. What is seen here may be the very first one I made for her. (The picture was taken in the lantern area of the Rondout Lighthouse, and it was quite a feat

A Different Kind of Tribute

On Wednesday, September 20, 2023, my beloved wife Charlene left this world to be with Jesus and loved ones who have gone before. I love her and will be with her again someday. A rather detailed version of what went on is here , so no need to do it all again. There is a great deal to learn about the grieving process, and it is different for everyone. Do not expect someone to get over the emotional gut punch and mental fog (especially with unexpected losses like mine) quickly. We have to experience it and learn to deal with it. Here is one way I am facing it. Esopus Creek near Mt. Tremper, Unsplash / Cowboy Bob Sorensen In September of 2022, Charlene and I gave ourselves an outing. We went on Route 28 to Mt. Tremper for some walking in nature and so I could get some pictures. (This is comparatively recent for me, partly motivated by the fact that newer smartphones tend to have good cameras.) Unfortunately, the Esopus was muddy from low rainfall . During this time, her back condition was

Be Self-Reliant for your own Survival

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  Having had experience on both sides of the retail world — worker and consumer — and being observant, I have seen many disconcerting things in human behavior. One example was a boy running around with merchandise and hearing his mother tell the father, "I just gave it to him to play with while we are here." Great, Bratley ruins merchandise because feckless parents cannot keep him under control. There are people who just drop stuff anywhere, whether trying to be funny or having changed their minds. That is bad enough, but they also waste food; a frozen pizza does not belong in sporting goods! There is a video of a guy trying to show his "badness" while being recorded in the drinks section. He would open bottles, take a drink, and put them back . Sick jerk.  Grocery shopping, Pexels / Hobi industri , modified at FotoSketcher On the other side of the coin, you have lackadaisical employees who simply don't care about working to earn their pay.

Subordinate or Subservient?

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  Some time ago, I wrote about being professional in the workplace , and that I got to know a worker at a big box store. He will be called Aaron from now on. Aaron sent me a telegram the other day, so I saddled up and rode into his town so we could talk about the item of concern. He had the day off so we met at an eatery for a leisurely lunch. While having coffee, he described the situation. Aaron's place of employment has a prairie schooner-full of folks in supervisory roles. While not all are necessarily his supervisors, they have superior roles and can give orders. Businessman, Pixabay / Goumbik There is a chain of command, as expected. One person is second in authority to the store manager, and was giving instructions at a store meeting. (You've probably seen meetings like this in various stores where employees are gathered for a few minutes in a large opening.) At the very end, "Chop! Chop!" was uttered. Aaron seems to be level-headed and no

Rawr! I Scary Birdie!

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  Here is a stylized picture of the White-Breasted Nuthatch that I (hopefully) rescued a few weeks ago. He* was being harassed by another of his kind, and when trying to fly away, smacked into the plate glass window on our porch. I was oh so careful picking him up and setting him on the grass below. These woodpecker cousins are so cute . It was extremely difficult for me to picture these 6.1 inch (15.5 cm. for those who do millimetrics) delicate birds trying to be big and bad. My Nuthatch photo modified with FotoSketcher When one is on the patio floor looking for suet crumbs, seeds, and nuts, he moves in short bursts. I took to calling him Scooter. My wife told me that I had just missed the thing she had told me about. A few seconds later, I saw it. Scooter didn't want to share the seeds on the floor with a catbird, so he spread his wings and rocked slightly back and forth. When my wife first told me about this action, he was trying to intimidate a much large

Shooting into the Air

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen  Those of us who know about responsible firearm use cringe when we see displays of stupidity — one of which is firing into the air. Yee haw, bang bang bang! Maybe it is human nature to make noise when celebrating, but is it human nature to put the brain in neutral as well? Ammunition may be hard to come by, so that is one reason shooting guns in the air is stupid. Worse, though, is a simple thing called gravity. What goes up must come down. Old Hank Longfellow shot an arrow into the air and eventually found it in a tree. Stupid poem . Recovered al-Shabaab AK-47s, Flickr / AMISOM Public Information ( CC0 1.0 ). On an episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation , a man was under suspicion of murder for supposedly shooting his wife — outside. However, the damage and the angle of the wound were all wrong, and other facts didn't jibe. It was determined that she was killed because someone nearby fired a bullet into the air. Watching news reports or movies with idiot

Follow the Leader?

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen You know the game, most of us played it when we were kids. Someone is selected to be the leader and everyone falls in behind for whatever journey happens. When it becomes hazardous, people follow at their own peril or wise up and drop out. Many of us play variations on it later in life. There may be a persuasive leader in a clique or someone in authority at the workplace. Sometimes it is friends, or mayhaps jumping in on teh interwebs. Follow the Leader, Wikimedia Commons / Doug Coldwell ( CC BY-SA 4.0 ) We easily see how professing atheists are control freaks, especially on social(ist) media. I have had several times when I posted on a biblical creation science topic, and a misotheist feels the need to disrupt things and hijack the discussion thread with demands for "proof" (mostly on a different subject altogether). There are Christians who think they are rising to the challenge and try to persuade the atheist that God exists or something similar, bu

Celebrating the Resurrection in 2023

Most professing Christians around the world are celebrating the bodily Resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead! If it had not happened, our faith is in vain (1 Cor. 15:12-19). But it did  happen and is the best-attested fact of ancient history. Those who are in Christ are forgiven and adopted as children of God (1 John 1:12-13.)  Like last year, no full post today but I am going to link to my other posts on the subject: Doubt Creation, so Doubt the Resurrection? The Trail of the Resurrection from Genesis (which I had written about a year ago in case I was not around to post something for this year) Resurrection or Evolution as a Basis for Hope Bible with Resurrection account and flowers, Unsplash / Anuja Mary Tilj As a bonus, here is a short post from Jimmy, " This Sunday at Church: Being Grateful for the Resurrection of Christ ." Please pray that God blesses his missions trip and for safe travels. Also, Why?Outreach has reposted a link to a collection of links regarding

Assigned Genders and Corporate Foolishness

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen A spell back, I wrote about an employee  showing professionalism in a big box store . A customer was ranting about how he was supposedly insulted by another employee, and this one had to hear about it. After a few subsequent visits, I got to know the guy at the store and we had some discussions. One day over lunch, the employee that I will call Aaron gave me some surprising insights into that company and its policies. Those are quite a distance from the vision of the company founder! Image information below This company used to believe in people and listen to employees and customers alike, but I see quality sacrificed for profit. Aaron told me of a revolving door of employees that come in, work for a while, then quit or get fired. While they have some real gems that have worked in this company for many years, many of the younger workers just don't care. You can't find that plaid sheet set that the app says is on the shelf? Try looking behind the boxes of