Over-Explaining, Performance Art, and Pride

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen 

This is another article about my growth process as a widower, written in hopes that it will help others. It is not as direct about the grief process as others. Note that at the onset, I learned that everyone grieves in different ways, and that it is okay to do so in the first place. Similarly, we all have to grow and develop. Memories of and tributes to those we lost are good but we cannot stay in the past.

Softball diamond from home plate, Unsplash / Cowboy Bob Sorensen

People need to learn the value of remaining silent at appropriate times. (See "Peace, be Still!") Strategic silence. The importance of this may dawn in people's minds in their forties, but even more so in their sixties. Blessed are those who learn it sooner.

Consider when we establish our boundaries. When pushed on something, a simple, "That will not work for me," should be sufficient. Unfortunately, we tend to provide a litany of reasons why not. Those are actually invitations to negotiate for someone to talk you out of your decision!

I disremember how many times I've seen parents tell their children, "No, you can't," and a "discussion" ensues. Little Ratley keeps badgering, the parent over-explains, Ratley counters all the reasons the parent gives — then he gets what he wants. It's an awful game that carries on into adulthood. Let your yes be yes and your no be no (Matt. 5:37, James 5:12). Keep your response simple. It may take a spell, but you can get some of your peace back.

Something else to learn is the need to clam up about personal goals. Let the results speak for themselves.

"But Cowboy Bob, if I tell someone I'm going to do something, it makes me accountable and I'll keep to it!"

Not hardly! What people get is a hit of pleasure as if they are actually accomplishing something. Also, do these people really care about you? I reckon that it's a matter of pride that other people (sometimes folks we don't really know) think about us for more than ten seconds. Besides, they have their own needs and wants on their minds.

Indeed, many people go through life as if it is performance art. We live to please other people, putting on faces so we can win their approval. It hurts when we are ignored or disrespected — but the opinions of others do not matter! The Christian's validation comes from our Redeemer, and that's what really matters. You savvy that, pilgrim?

In that article I linked after the picture, I mentioned how when we talk too much, we are giving wicked people information that can be used against us. One of the most absurd things people do is yack up thier lives on social(ist) media: "We're going away on vacation for two weeks, we're so excited!" Great, it's likely that you made it easy for people to find out where you live already, so now you put out an electronic sign that says, "Rob us!" I bet you have information about your kids up, too...

It's natural to want to keep talking and be friendly, but we have to carefully consider who we talk to and what information we provide. When we put up boundaries, we don't need to over-explain — and mayhaps not even explain at all. Stay safe, keep your peace, hold your peace. Bonus: You have more respect for yourself, and people who matter will respect you more.