She has been Gone a Year Now

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen 

On September 20, 2023, my beloved Charlene went to be with the Lord. This was a few weeks after my open-heart surgery and the restrictions that came with it. The grief fog, legal matters, lingering effects from general anesthesia, and other things were an overwhelming combination for me.

At one point, I was considering doing a swan dive off the Kingston-Rhinecliff Bridge. I sought out a church when I did not know if she was going to live or die, and the pastor essentially talked me down from the bridge.

Kingston-Rhinecliff Bridge from Poet's Walk, Red Hook, NY, Unsplash / Cowboy Bob Sorensen

Because of financial problems (I was unable to return to work, for one thing), I had the ideations again. Those have been settled, as I'll demonstrate.

First, dental problems. With apprehension and reluctance, I had to go to Westchester Medical Center to have my jaw examined. The route involved crossing that very bridge. I was confident that I could do so without evil urges, but after I crossed it, I pulled over and cried. I remembered driving that car, which was Charlene's at the time, to take her to the hospital and also when I went to visit her after her surgery. It was the last time I saw her conscious.

A bottle of hot sauce. She couldn't find the kind I wanted and got one with a slightly different flavor, and I liked it better.

I wanted to do something special to commemorate the one-year anniversary of her passing, and Poet's Walk in Red Hook was suggested. When I was talking to a nurse who checks in on me because of the heart surgery, I told her of this. She knew my history, and was concerned that I was going to be crossing that bridge. Alone. On an emotional day. Would I have an urge to jump?

After making her promises about seeking help if needed, I came up with an accountability plan. Although I am mostly alone, I have a few people who care about me. I made arrangements with two of them to send texts when I crossed the bridge and returned. Also, I sent the nurse the above picture and she was glad it was all done.

Found the autumn decoration Charlene had for the landing/hallway on our apartment floor and put it up.

If anyone wants to see my photos of Poet's Walk and others, those are available here.

The destination was chosen because we had agreed that we wanted to return; it had been over twenty years. (I did not remember it when I got there, but the second section was difficult and I am certain that we did not do that area.) Part of the goal of that day was to reminisce about her, and to pray. It's Thanksgiving in the US of A, and I do thank God that he gave us about twenty-four years together — and I will be with her again. Charlene was my wife and my best friend. I love her.

Ironic that the ashes of Charlene and her parents are on the "entertainment center"

Looking at her stand mixer. It's for large quantities of dough, but I'm alone, so mayhaps I'll see if the church wants it. Or someone. I also have her twin bed to remove.

Yes, it was an emotional time. But not as intense as I expected. It took a while to figure out why not, and it finally came to me: I think about her several times a day. It's not like my feelings and memories were put on hold until I had my outing at Poet's Walk. For that matter, I think of departed family members and pets at various times. I can hear Charlene saying to Basement Cat, "You want treat?" in her pet voice.

Spring ahead, fall back. Okay, I fell back the clocks. One of them is an appliance timer that I use for a lamp. She would probably like the way that idea turned out.

Grief comes in many forms and seems to be as unique as each individual. And as unique as each situation. There is no "getting over it" for me or for many people; we are forever changed. (Indeed, looking back at our relationship, we changed each other from the get-go. It probably happens in any relationship that lasts a spell.) I am still adjusting to this life, making changes in some ways, keep things as they are in others.

I can't figure out why this article has taken so long to complete and publish. More tears? No, I expect that to happen. The tee shirt I'm wearing... it is from a visit we made to a lighthouse in Michigan,,, Ironic that my church attendance is at its best in years, beginning when she was stricken. I had to hold back the tears because I thought she might like this church. Being wracked with sobs is less frequent, and I almost feel guilty for having "good" days. All these changes, feelings, thoughts. I have a grief counselor who tells me that such things are not wrong or unexpected.

Shortly after she passed, I was shopping and a song came on the in-store radio. It meant something to me early in our time together, and I fought back the tears. I think the cashier saw something was up, but said nothing. I let go after I got out the door.

We bought things for each other, and I hear the wind chimes that I bought for her. It was funny when a bird would land on one thinking it was a perch, but it would shift, make its sound, and scare the bird. The "throw" on my bed has a dragon picture. She bought it for me after a Christmas. I use a wallet she bought me before we even met in person...there are many reasons it is special to me. Of course, there are things we bought for us, for the apartment, that are in my view.

The Bobby Goldsboro song "Honey" tore me up. One part was, "...kinda dumb and kinda smart." Charlene couldn't understand my telephoned instructions to finalize a post for me, yet she did things in the apartment, "hacks" and improvisations, that were very smart. Aren't we all "dumb" in certain things and "smart" in others? She performed certain tasks easily that were beyond my ken.

Charlene took pleasure in cooking and often posted pictures and recipes on her Fakebook account. Her cousin lives nearby and has brought me food that was made from Charlene's recipes. That is a special thing and I think it is a tribute to her.

Charlene at Niagara Falls in 2007

So yeah, I'm on the right trail about the visit to Poet's Walk and the not-so-intense effect it had on me. I am reminded of her often. Hopefully this tribute of sorts will also help someone else who is grieving.

My recommendation is to face the grief and experience it. Let it happen. Cherish the memories even though objects that are reminders will eventually wear out, break, or go away for various reasons. Yes, although everyone is different, ignoring or hiding from sorrow tends to be harmful. Indeed, writing these articles has been therapeutic for me. I hope someone has had a bit of help from them.

Now I'll close again with this song that was special to Charlene: