Self-Esteem Steps and Depression

by Cowboy Bob Sorensen 

People who have been following this weblog know that I have been widowed, share things I have learned, and written about my lifelong struggle with depression — somewhere. So I am just a guy who has experienced, learned, and shared some things.

Depression is a bunkmate with grief, and the shock of loss can accompany it. (I remember the funeral director telling me to remember to eat.) There are some small steps that can help make a difference with depression and self-esteem.

Melancholy, Edvard Munch, 1982

Just a brief note about depression itself. Some people get "the blues" now and then, caused by various factors such as stress, not having eaten properly for a while, bad experiences, lack of sleep, and other things. Clinical depression also exists which is most likely caused by internal chemistry. These things can be discussed with your doctor, therapist, pastor, or trusted friends.

I hesitate to use self-esteem because that is often an excuse to get out of responsibility or feed pride. However, when it is actually damaged, people are hurting and their ability to function is impaired. In my grief, I've been lethargic, depressed, and wanted to cease to exist. My experiences and observations lead me to believe that a proper amount of self-esteem does indeed matter. The Christian finds purpose for living in Christ, but we often need to take small steps to get through dark days just like anyone else.

Before we continue, there is something to keep in mind. Be aware of what I call fixture mentality (I'm sure psychologists have an expensive word or three for it). Something may stand out because it's in the wrong location. This can be useful to remind you to deal with it, such as my setting the laundry hamper in the living room before bed because I have to go to Laundroland the next day.

The problem is that if you don't deal with the thing that is set out, whether a reminder or clutter, it becomes a fixture and "belongs" there. Essentially, you don't really notice it anymore. 

Now we can move on to something that can help self-esteem, depression, and even some clutter. First, walk through your dwelling and look around. Notice those things that are set down and neglected, notes, something put away, etc. Next, make a list of things that need to be done (even the small items).

When making the list of things around the place, expand it. Not just small quick things, but phone calls, email, errands, projects, and all that good stuff. Nothing is solved by making the list, but those things are not causing unease in the back of your mind. We all know Ben Gonna. "Ben Gonna talk to the bank about this here paper... Ben Gonna scan and upload those photos of my late wife... Ben Gonna write up that report..." Big things, little things.

Let the band play and the banners unfurl, you made a list! Planning on doing things is good. Unfortunately, people can fool themselves by planning as a substitute for doing. Watch for that.

Now you can work on the list. Put it and the pen you used to write it with in a convenient location. If it's on your computer or phone app, make that electronic list work for you. Physically go to it. I suggest that the little things get taken care of first. When they're done, cross or check them off. Want a donut? Well, crossing them off feels good, donut? Other things will come to mind during the process, so tack them on as well.

Sometimes there are things we need to do that are new. My wife Charlene did the cooking, and suddenly having to do it for myself was quite intimidating. Even cooking up something simple was a victory. If I failed or something was not that good, fine, I learned how not to do something.

It's been rightly said that small progress leads to small victories. Study on that and realize that small victories add up. (You know those things but I'm reminding you of them anyway.) After whittling down the list of tasks, you may want to make separate lists and move the big projects to a separate one. Those big projects may take a long time, and you may best accomplish them a little at a time. For that matter, I thought this article would be quick, but I've been spreading out the writing for several days.

So you have just a little bit that should help you feel just a little bit better, a little at a time. Remember that whatever you're going through shall pass. There may come a time when you don't need to make multiple lists, simple things will be seen and dealt with. That feels good and I believe it's okay to take a little pride in that. Christians, remember the Lord's help and don't be afraid to ask for help with the pastor or others in the church family.

This song came on the radio and helped encourage me during a very dark time in my life: